The anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz; Israel and Palestinians
The issue arose during a discussion of the Shoah on Danny Finkelstein's Twitter account. He was reminiscing about his mother's release from Belsen and other people were chiming in. Then someone mentioned the Palestinians and their plight, basically saying, "Are you seeing all this plight?" At this point, another poster hopped in to effectively reply, "Roll 'em up!" Now I'm an antisemite for asking for people to spare a thought for the Palestinians (who are also Semitic) on a Shoah rememberance thread.
- Do the victims of a particular group — and their grievances — lose value on the anniversary of an event that affected any of the members of the group? Bear in mind that Zionists are a sub-group of Jewish people — many of them are opposed to the oppression of the Palestinians. Are they antisemitic too?
- Should we all shut up about injustices against them until the anniversary has passed — or is it even more relevant given the history of what happened next?
I'm in the "Two wrongs don't make a right" camp, but obviously it's not a black-and-white situation. It doesn't help that there's a media machine that excuses the oppression of the Palestinian people by painting them as terrorists who refuse to compromise and denies the reality of their daily lives. This doesn't seem fair to me. I wish those of you who subscribe to the belief that the entire Palestinian population is a hotbed of terrorism would understand that this is one of the reasons why Middle Eastern people bear a massive grudge against the West. Local politicians, etc., grandstanding about it is the symptom, not the actual disease.
We need to have this conversation, but when? Are there exemptions to "Never again?" Any discussion of the subject tends to quickly devolve into a contest to find out who is the most oppressed and therefore deserving of sympathy. That's not fair to either side and leaves all my questions unanswered.
Kobe Bryant and daughter died; Kobe allegedly raped a woman back in the day
Later on the same day, I was seeing tweets about basketball player Kobe Bryant and his daughter having been killed in a helicopter crash. I dimly remembered seeing something some time ago about his having sexually assaulted someone. Then someone posted a tweet bringing up the rape case in exquisite detail. She got ratioed. Everyone who replied to her was asking what sort of a monster she is, and the bodies not even cold yet, kind of thing. "Spare a thought for the bereaved, you heartless cow," etc. She has since been suspended and deleted the tweet.
I felt sorry for her — I've got a plethora of #MeToo stories about my own life (what can I say, I've met a lot of creepy men!) so I asked the question:
Honestly, I had a bit of a rant**. You see, when a sports (or other) star behaves badly, there's a whole publicity machine that goes to bat for him, painting his victim as a whore via speculation that is careful to avoid being legally defamatory, but does the same job. When the case comes to court she has no chance. Most victims settle just to get the whole thing over with, the star gets whitewashed and it all blows over. If tragedy befalls the star, the whitewashing resumes and the victim, if she gets a mention at all, is described as a whore. The way I see it, an innocent man would demand his day in court instead of paying an accuser off. Accusing wealthy people of rape is not a viable business model. If it was, there would be more payouts more often.Do we always whitewash people when they die? Is it going to be like this when Bill Cosby pops his clogs?— Wendy Cockcroft (@wendycockcroft) January 26, 2020
A woman who brought up certain incident in Bryant's past is getting hammered for mentioning it before he's even cold. https://t.co/5t26jqn3jh
Now imagine the victim's consternation upon learning that the man who wrecked her life is dead and that former President freakin' Obama is eulogising someone she sees as a monster.
"Are you seeing all this plight?"
"Roll 'em up!"
Mind you, as my Twitter buddy That Anonymous Coward pointed out,
People fret & handwringing over people being mean to victims but ignore using them as a prop for your point hurts more.
- So then, who gets to make the point, and is it right to do so under any circumstance?
Feedback and blowback
Whenever a discussion on freedom of speech and the consequences thereof crops up, the go-to for the maximalists is counter-speech. Yes indeed, if a popular person with a large audience and a lot of reach has a go at you or tries to make life awkward for you, pipe up and say something. Ask your friends to help. The answer to bad speech, we're told, is more speech. Well you're assuming equal access here and on those occasions where that is the case, counter-speech is sufficient to right the wrongs. When a troll came after me to wreck my reputation, I used counter-speech to negate the impact of the lies he told about me. Result: Wendy 6,* troll 0. Sometimes I win.
When you're on your own and nobody is willing to stand with you and take the flack with you, counter-speech is drowned out by the noise of everyone who sides with your abuser. Anyone not willing to acknowledge that but still insists on counter-speech as a remedy is disingenuous, to say the least.
How popularity tips the scale
The thing is, during the flurry of posts about a topical subject, that's an optimal time to get eyeballs on the counter-speech. However, in the event of a tragedy you'll be told to shut up if you go against the narrative of "recently deceased = absolved of all sin."
That Anonymous Coward replied to my Cosby post saying that counter-speech could at least wait until the coroner's report, but that's basically saying "Don't mess with the narrative until the news has had time to percolate through the aether." Of course, by that time it's old news and there will be fewer eyeballs for the counter-speech. I mean, the point of counter-speech is to get as many eyeballs as possible on it in order to counter a particular narrative, right? Eh, maybe not:
Look, I know these things are messy and the grieving family don't need to be reminded of their relative's shortcomings when the news hasn't quite hit them yet, I get that. And no, it's not right to add to the burden of their grief, but what about the grief of the people who are suffering as the result of actions perpetrated by the deceased — or those associated with them, however tangentially?Trust me I understand the feelings of seeing someone who did something horrible to you elevated to sainthood in others eyes, and it sucks a lot... but it sucks less than dealing with the bullshit from the choir singing the praises of your personal demon.— That Anonymous Coward - Immortal Sociopath (@That_AC) January 27, 2020
It seems to me that people vicitmised by popular people lose value from the moment they complain, and should tragedy befall their abusers (or anyone in any way connected to them), they lose even more. Obliged to slip into the shadows and stay there, they dare not say a word about their troubles until the outpouring of grief has died down, along with the number of eyeballs watching. This seems unfair to me.
- Should the popularity of a particular individual or group exempt them from complaints should tragedy befall them? I mean, their popularity already insulates them from the loneliness and pain of being scrutinised in absentia in the first place, right? And this in turn should insulate their families, too, shouldn't it?
Why this is an issue for me
I'm coming from a place of knowing how it feels to be a target for abuse. I know how it feels to have people doing awful things to me, then saying awful things about how I'm either lying, exaggerating, or totally deserved it. When those things are undeserved because they're not true, and the perpetrators get away with it because they're popular, the compound experience of feeling like the whole damn world is against you is beyond appalling. And the loneliness — sheesh! You can't talk about it; if you do you're whining. If t'other side talks about it, they're just processing. They're weaponising popularity, and it's no fun to be on the receiving end of that weaponry when it is turned on you.
Conclusion
There's not an easy answer to this. I've only got more questions. Popularity clouds, confuses, and compounds the issue. I side with the underdog because I've been one (thankfully not any more); when there are underdogs on the other side, how do you discuss the matter without stepping on vulnerable people's toes?
I don't think it's right to shut people up if they want to complain or bring up inconvenient truths at a time when the narrative focus is on the grief and loss of the family connected to an individual or group at the centre of a controversy. However, the last thing the family needs is to have their sorrows compounded, tamped down, and stomped on again.
- We need to have a conversation about this, but how? And when is the right time, if we're going to work towards a conclusion that works for as many people as possible?
I'm willing to discuss this further if you are.
**I didn't get ratioed, but then, I don't write for the Washington Post.
*the number of platforms I had to contact with regard to this. One still has the lies up but allowed me to post a rebuttal. I count that as a win.
*the number of platforms I had to contact with regard to this. One still has the lies up but allowed me to post a rebuttal. I count that as a win.
At one point I had a realization about the nature of power. A common refrain I've heard about personal power is having the ability to stand up for yourself. I've come up with my own response. "True power isn't the ability to fight for yourself. It's the ability to have others fight for you."
ReplyDeleteThe reality is that any conclusion that works towards as many people as possible means that someone will have to pick up the role of the minority - which means going back to the original system of relying on popularity or how much "good karma" the aggressor has built up.
There is really very little you can do to handle bullies. Everything is decided on their turf, their terms. In your follow-up post you can leave, sure. This is not usually an option if you're a kid. Teachers are woefully underequipped to handle bullying incidents. From personal experience the bullies who are the most skilled at their craft will befriend the teachers, that way their misbehavior can be shrugged off as "kids will be kids". If punishment does occur, it will be in the form of limp slaps on the wrist with a wet noodle, or punish a sizeable portion of the student body, including uninvolved students, just to make an example. The disciplinarians who used this method believed that common hardship would build camaraderie. The truth was that even otherwise neutral individuals started blaming the victim for daring to speak up.
I am reminded of a case in Thailand some months ago, where a bully in his 60s was stabbed to death at a gathering of ex-classmates by one of his victims in school. Naturally the bully had accumulated plenty of good karma in starting a family etc. Of course nobody knew what the victim went through. Who would believe him if he told anyone?
There really is no drawback to being a bully. I've been told plenty of anecdotes of bullies living a life of guilt. It's a weak attempt to tell victims to shut up, move on, how dare they view social interactions with suspicion and distrust! That's not reality. Reality says that bullies who enjoy being popular in school enjoy those networks into adulthood. Fond memories of kicking some weakling's ass in formative years. And at that point what recourse do victims have? The statute of limitations on their emotions, society argues, has long expired.
Bullies have no reason to feel guilty. Their acts of rambunctious roughhousing are celebrated as demonstrations of order and hierarchy. There's no motivation for them to worry about their victims. And in the event they do wish to assuage their sense of responsibility, possibly years later... what do they have to lose? They get to show off how magnanimous they are, trying to repair bridges long since burnt. The responsibility is now on the victim to accept the call - validate the bully, or refuse to and doom themselves to another wave of social judgement for daring to be vengeful.
"Time heals all wounds," says Despair.com, "But it usually leaves a pretty big scar." That's not what people want of victims. They don't want to see scarring. Nobody has the patience to see anger, regret, self-loathing. Burying it all is really the only thing you can do, because at some point you get sick and tired of "well-wishers" telling you to let go, lecturing you about how you should always punch up and never punch down, because that's the lecture you deserve and not your tormentors apparently. It gets even worse when you're a Christian. Christians tell you to forgive because Jesus managed it. Atheists demand that of you because you were "dumb enough to believe in an imaginary friend from a book written by homophobics".
Keeping things inside doesn't help. It's also the only option because the popular team's definition of "help" is, frankly, trash. "Help" translates to "whatever doesn't inconvenience us based on our own definitions" and that bar is never set particularly high. The only time anything happens if if you happen to be on the popular side and even that might not have all the right reasons. I can't help but wonder if Rose McGowan is the face of #MeToo partially because a gender-neutral representative is preferred over a woman. Who better to strike out at questionable norms than one who doesn't fit into that narrative?
Delete(I leave the debates of "Men aren't women tho" and bathroom usage to those who choose to get their fingers dirty. Having been called "gay" with one of the few friends I had, incessantly by schoolmates who later in life decided they liked men instead, does not endear me to LGBT alphabet soup like many "well-wishers" think I should be.)
There was a time when I dearly wished consequences would catch up to my tormentors. I concede hating is a tiring thing to do. I hold that it's due to how affairs are arranged based on popularity. Who doesn't appreciate a bit of hate, dislike or detestment? That's what drives a lot of popular media. As Anton Ego wrote, "We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and read." But that's only insofar as you're toeing the party line.
"Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat." - Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
There was a time when that was me. I know that's not possible anymore. The system creates, shields, worships bullying. It's a social Darwinism that makes leaders, decision makers. It offers reassurance and direction, even when that direction is off the face of a cliff or building on shaky ground that can't sustain itself. Years ago I was expected to show up for a teacher's funeral. Why? I don't have any affectation for the guy. I have even less reason to be around a bunch of aged jocks trading stories about how I was the punchline of their jokes and clenched fists.
You learn to take joy, or perhaps malicious glee might be the better term, in the smaller things in life. I threw back my head and laughed when the school I attended started having backlash in the papers that they were becoming too elitist. Sad to say that might be the best conclusion you get. I've seen attempts by parents to get anti-bullying laws instated, lawsuits brought against schools who hazed their kids. It always ends in failure and mockery. Why would a system built on the foundation of culling the weak behave any differently?
Bowling for Soup was right. "High School Never Ends". It really doesn't. It never does...
(This diatribe broken into two messages because I wasn't aware there was a 4096 character limit...)
Thank you for commenting. I've written a follow up post detailing how I managed to move on from being bullied and emotionally and psychologically tormented, if you want to take a look.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your troubles; I know what being told to shut up and suck it up does to a person; I only started healing when I was in a healthy, supportive environment where bullies get stomped on. I'm still reinflating.
RE: "Burying it all is really the only thing you can do, because at some point you get sick and tired of "well-wishers" telling you to let go, lecturing you about how you should always punch up and never punch down, because that's the lecture you deserve and not your tormentors apparently. It gets even worse when you're a Christian. Christians tell you to forgive because Jesus managed it. Atheists demand that of you because you were "dumb enough to believe in an imaginary friend from a book written by homophobics"."
The good news is that's not true. As a Christian, I knew I had to forgive but experience has taught me two things that seem counter-intuitive to both being a Good Christian and Getting Justice Done.
* Extricate yourself from the toxic environment in which your bully is being enabled if you can. If you can't, try to limit your contact with the bully and the enablers.
* You have to admit you hate the toerag that did that to you before you can even think about forgiving him/her. It's a process and it's dirty and messy. It goes from "I hate X" to "Hating is hurting me more than X" to "I refuse to give X any more headspace" to "He may have it cushy now but time has a way of catching up on people. Honestly, I feel sorry for him."
Forgiving a bully or abuser doesn't let them off the hook for what they did to you but it does allow you to heal. With your new perspective you are able to evaluate your situation and decide whether or not to pursue remedial actions, which may or may not involve going legal. The point is, you're doing this without the hurt driving you.
You totally need to process your experience and all the messy feelings that go with it. Do not push it down -- it'll find a way back up. I hope this helps.
To Wendy, thank you for your reply. I did actually read your follow-up post prior to penning my diatribe, but the response was appreciated nonetheless.
DeleteI'll begin my response to yours by acknowledging your struggles and resolutions. This is not something most people do and honestly my mind gravitates to it often. I'm pleased that you found a place where, as you put it, "bullies get stomped on". This is not something that happens often. I find that when people mean "supportive" they mean it as "sort your shit out in a way that inconveniences us as minimally as possible, or the door is that way".
Acknowledging that you hate someone isn't inherently difficult; it's the social response to that which is the absolute pain to deal with. You get trained to shut away hate because people will give you grief if you say you hate their celebrity idol, their proud confident sports jock, their respected figure of authority etc. But as you've said this doesn't make it healthy. It colours your social interactions. Eventually people start probing and your fuse burns away until you explode. People explode back at you (which feels worse because there's more of them than there's you) or shrug and say, "That's it? That's all that hate was about? You're [insert disdainful epithet here]." You then learn not to show that hate until inevitably someone asks about it again.
I try not to give these memories headspace. Work or recreation is usually enough to block it out, although admittedly the scars of the past have shaped me into someone who swings between two extremes: a doormat who accepts criticism on the "basis" that I will learn something or improve from the experience, and a thoughtless juggernaut who shirks responsibility to avoid picking up the pieces of whatever mess will happen.
I am not confident that, as you say, "time has a way of catching up on people". How does one define time catching up on someone? The example of the Thai finally venting his frustration in the most extreme way possible? The bully's douchebag behaviour turning away their former allies? Or an accounting to the Heavenly Father? The way things are I'm not sure any of this is worth celebrating. The first consequence has obvious legal issues. The second rarely happens because bullies stick together and their enablers often find it easier to let them be anyway, like teachers and classmates do. The third... this is often where, I find, even fellow believers offer no succour. "Pick out the plank in your eye," they say, "before removing the speck of dust in your brother's!" A Christian is expected to believe that he is also a sinner and therefore not entitled to judge others or demand it. And even if his claim was legitimate he is behooved to forgive. "Jesus suffered and forgave! The Amish forgive the gunmen who murder their children! You're better off than they are, how dare you not forgive!"
The strategy seems to be to make victims so weary, so exhausted they lose all motivation of seeking justice or reparation - and it's a very effective tactic. Nobody wants to deal with victims unless there's something in it for them. The entire affair makes me tired just thinking about it. It took me a decade to convince my folks that my experiences of being bullied have left psychological scars and shaped my behaviour dealing with people. They refused to acknowledge that for as long as I can remember. "You don't see these people anymore, you should be healed!" was the argument. Nobody wants to admit that a system they believe in has failed others.
It's a parallel I see in education and society - nobody wants to think that a system of rigid, unquestioning discipline and deferment to authority might have failed countless thousands trying to vie for limited resources and vacancies. We keep yelling at our kids that if they fail in this increasingly competitive landscape of unfavourably stacked decks it's because they're failures at human beings. No one wants to look for a solution. What reason could they possibly want to, when they have all the resources they could ever want to shield them from consequence?
DeleteA friend of mine showed me a comic drawn by an artist who was tormented in school by a bully. Years later, out of sheer curiosity, the artist tracked down her former bully - who not only forgot her existence but went on to lead a successful life surrounded by peers and family who valued her existence, and would not possibly believe any accusations about her previously poor character.
Does time catch up to anyone? Does it truly matter when there exist those for whom others would gladly shield them from penalty? We believe in a Creator God who sent his Son down to shield everyone from penalty. The same God who carries you so you leave no footprints on the beach is carrying your tormentors with His other hand.
There, perhaps, might have been a time when the potential of legal consequence with no one to back me up might have been the only thing preventing me from exacting pain. Other things occupy my time now. On occasion my pastor admonishes the older generation (for which I am grateful for) about their discussions on whether they qualify to go to Heaven, just as the Pharisees did. Atheists are angry at Christians for believing Christians will go to Heaven and atheists will not. I think when the day comes either God takes stock of all my misdemeanours as a demonstration of fairness, or the Holy Spirit compels me to take my tormentors' place in punishment just as God sent Jesus to do. I have yet to see anything convincing me otherwise (which others tell me, to be fair, I don't make it easy for anyone to convince of anything if I put my mind to it).
It all boils down to what I said: there's very little drawback to being a bully.
(Separated for character limit again, alas.)
Delete>> I find that when people mean "supportive" they mean it as "sort your shit out in a way that inconveniences us as minimally as possible, or the door is that way".
* I have also experienced that, but I got lucky.
>> You get trained to shut away hate because people will give you grief if you say you hate their celebrity idol, their proud confident sports jock, their respected figure of authority etc...
* Yes you do. The trick is to find someone who will listen uncritically. I personally know some Kobe Bryant lovers and there's no way I can talk to them about how uncomfortable it makes me feel to hear them eulogise the man in public. I can, however, talk about it on my blog.
>>I try not to give these memories headspace. Work or recreation is usually enough to block it out, although admittedly the scars of the past have shaped me into someone who swings between two extremes: a doormat who accepts criticism on the "basis" that I will learn something or improve from the experience, and a thoughtless juggernaut who shirks responsibility to avoid picking up the pieces of whatever mess will happen.
* I was like that for years. The opportunity to heal has mellowed me. I hope you find that opportunity yourself.
>>I am not confident that, as you say, "time has a way of catching up on people".
* Time catches up on people by either revealing what utter swine they are to their peers or by causing them to mend their ways. I have also been told to automagically forgive, as if the capacity for doing so without first processing the anger, etc. innately existed. It doesn't. It's a process. It took decades, in some cases, for me. People who don't understand that have never had much to forgive others for. Good for them, but that doesn't help you much, does it?
>>Nobody wants to admit that a system they believe in has failed others.
* I was fortunate to be taught to critically evaluate everything I'm told and not to merely accept it. What I've learned is that what some people call faith is actually a denial system based on social paradigms such as the power of the individual's self-will. You know, twaddle.
>>nobody wants to think that a system of rigid, unquestioning discipline and deferment to authority might have failed countless thousands trying to vie for limited resources and vacancies.
* That's where paranoia about socialism gets you. While we need competition to spur us onwards a crowded race tends to leave people behind. In a highly individualistic society, such people are abandoned and we're told it's their own damn fault.
>>The same God who carries you so you leave no footprints on the beach is carrying your tormentors with His other hand.
Delete* Yeah, I've seen that. https://thepublicans.org/2016/08/15/habakkuks-first-complaint/
The thing is, if He didn't, there would be no salvation as we'd each get what our deeds deserve. No grace means that even if we change our ways and become exemplary human beings later on, it doesn't count.
>>Other things occupy my time now.
* That's good, but you still have to deal with your anger. Try writing down your complaints in any order in which they come to mind. Get them all down. Now outline how you felt then and how you feel now. Pray through it all and ask for guidance on how to deal with it so it doesn't continue to affect you. My follow up post on this explains how I learned to forgive, I'd recommend reading that again.
>>I think when the day comes either God takes stock of all my misdemeanours as a demonstration of fairness, or the Holy Spirit compels me to take my tormentors' place in punishment just as God sent Jesus to do. I have yet to see anything convincing me otherwise (which others tell me, to be fair, I don't make it easy for anyone to convince of anything if I put my mind to it).
* Thank you for being honest, YAAC. I feel privileged to think that perhaps I'm one of the few people you felt able to open up to about this and I'm glad you did. I hope I've been able to provide a little comfort and a sense of acceptance. Good news: it's not your job to take anyone's place in punishment. That has already been accomplished by Someone Who was able to forgive without going through a process. 1 Peter 2:21-25
The part about dying to sin and living for righteousness is hard. It means sending the bill for damage to your psyche by all those bullies to the Lord and allowing Him to pay you back in His own good time. And that can take a while, believe me. You keep calling it in, ready to send in the bailiffs because you want it NOW. I get it. But letting go is the first step to healing.
>>It all boils down to what I said: there's very little drawback to being a bully.
* Until the past catches up with them. 1 Timothy 5:24
Do not envy their ability to get away with the things we'd never do. Just be your best self and ask God to give you the strength to do right especially when it's hard. Matthew 6:33. God will work it out, just not in the way you want Him to. Put it this way: which is better, a bully who quits and becomes a decent person or a bully who acts like Back to the Future's Biff Tannen, who never learns a damn thing no matter what happens?